Everybody Loves a Lazy River (But Not Always a Waterslide)

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Who doesn’t love a lazy river? On a recent trip to Phoenix, we had the pleasure of staying at the Pointe Hilton Squaw Peak Resort, which sports a built-in waterpark available only to hotel guests. With the summer heat of Phoenix topping 11o degrees at times, any chance to dip into cooling waters was inviting to us. The Hilton was even better, complete with lazy river, water slides, waterfalls into gigantic swimming pools, water volleyball, fountains for the little ones, and more.

River Ranch is the water park available to guests on the grounds of Pointe Hilton Squaw Peak Resort

The lazy river called to our family, beckoning with brightly colored inner tubes, go-cups filled with chilled drinks, and a slow but steady flow of water to keep the crowds moving, cooling and laughing happily. We couldn’t wait to jump in.

One thing we noticed as we floated by the water slides was the lack of crowds there. The lazy river was chock full of guests, merrily bumping into one another, making chains and hopping in and out of their tubes to cool off. The water slide? Not so much. We must have taken three turns around the river route before I saw maybe four adults take on the waterslide the whole time. Quite a few kids threw themselves happily down the curvy pike, but not the parents. Why?

Well, I will tell you why. Because there is no elegant way to pick your bathing suit out of your ass after hurtling down a slide and being thrown into a pool of water. Once I realized it, I witnessed rider after rider splash into the pool, surface for air, and pick at their ass in a most ungainly fashion.

See? See how everyone waits for this poor woman to splash down with her bathing suit floss?

Now there was a time (I think it was the 80s) when butt floss was acceptably in fashion. Perhaps people even convinced themselves it was moderately comfortable to squeeze fabric deep within their cheeks. A very few actually looked good.

But not me. And evidently not many others at the Pointe Hilton Squaw Peak Resort. However, that Lazy River? My ass was quite happy sitting in that comfortable seat, dunked in cooling waters with a icy drink in my hand.

Have fun with that slide, kids!